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Feminist Discernment in the Family
Transforming Romantic Partnerships, Parenting, and Consumption

created and written by:
Emily Knurek & Cecilia Yu

Feminist Parenting:
The Subservient Mother Paradigm

"The image of the good mother is that of someone intimately bound to her children in physical and emotional symbiosis, loving but asexual, self-sacrificing, putting the children's welfare before her own or anyone else's."
–Lorber (1)

These traits of selflessness and subservience to other’s needs have come to be defined as the essence of motherhood. Women who attempt to embody these traits in the extreme, to be “good” mothers as traditionally defined, may suffer from the enactment of the Subservient Mother Paradigm.

This paradigm hurts mothers by not allowing them to fully express their needs and desires. Women may become frustrated and try to live out dream lives through their children. Additionally, women who do not measure up to this valuation of a “good” mother may feel guilty and inadequate.

Additionally, the Subservient Mother Paradigm is hurtful to children. Children learn that women’s needs are unimportant or nonexistent and may dominate their mothers. Children may suffer from their mother’s aspirations for them, feeling stifled and unable to discover their true wants.

Finally, children learn the Subservient Mother Paradigm and grow up to reproduce it in their own relationships. Young boys may become men who expect their wives to cater to their needs above their own. Young girls may become women that feel pressure to adhere to the Subservient Mother Paradigm, sacrificing their own desires for their husband's and children’s.

It is important to note that caring and selflessness are not bad traits in and of themselves. It is only when these traits are acted out in the extreme that they become harmful for mothers and their children.

Feminist parents are beginning to transform the Subservient Mother Paradigm. They realize that this paradigm is reproducing hierarchy and gender oppression in their children and that it causes personal suffering.

The following quotation from a participant in Mack-Canty & Wright’s study of feminist parenting demonstrates how feminist discernment is transforming the harmful aspects of the traditional parent-child relationship. In addition, this mother expresses how transforming her parenting style was beneficial to both herself and her children.
 
“My identity for a long time had been exclusively that of mother and wife whose role was caregiver. I gave, all the time, but I didn’t feel anyone was reciprocating, which made me angry. Following the divorce, I took some women’s studies classes. I just began to really think about how I wanted to raise my kids differently. Now, I mentor my girls rather than acting like a servant. Our relationship is more mutual.” (2)

Mothers who wish to find a better balance between caring for themselves and caring for their children are critically rethinking the Subservient Mother Paradigm and redefining their relationships with their children.

Learn more about:
...Authoritarian Parent Paradigm
...Natural Motherhood
...Family Values

References